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Ioci Antiqui : Ancient Jokes
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31. A Pointy-Headed Intellectual
Σχολαστικὸς ἐν τῶι πλέειν χειĞῶνος ὄντος σφοδροῦ καὶ τῶν
οἰκετῶν κλαιόντων· Μὴ κλαίετε/ἔφη· πάντας γὰρ ὑĞᾶς
ἐν διαθήκαις ἐλευθέρους ἀφῆκα.
A professor on a sea-voyage, when there was a big storm and
his slaves were weeping, said: “Don’t cry. I’ve set you all
free in my will.”
This joke is Philogelos 25. The subject of the first 102 jokes in the collec-
tion is a scholastikos, an educated or rather over-educated man. It might be
translated ‘bookworm’, ‘egghead’, ‘pedant’, ‘professor’ (or perhaps ‘per-
fesser’), or ‘poindexter’. None is entirely satisfactory, though the stereo-
type persists.
Source: Philogelos : Der Lachfreund, ed. A. Thierfelder, München, 1968.
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32. Another Joke from Augustus Caesar
Cum audisset inter pueros, quos in Syria Herodes rex
Iudaeorum intra bimatum iussit interfici, filium quoque eius
occisum, ait: “melius est Herodis porcum esse quam
filium.”
When he had heard that Herod, king of the Jews, had ordered
boys in Syria up to two years old to be killed, and that
Herod’s own son was among them, he said: “It’s better to be
Herod’s pig than his son.”
The Romans’ favorite meat was pork in all its forms: ham, sow’s bellies,
dozens of kinds of sausages, and any other cut imaginable. This no doubt
made the Jewish prohibition on pork-eating seem all the more perverse.
‘Syria’ here is either generalized or inaccurate, since it must refer primarily
to Judea, and only secondarily, if at all, to Syria proper.
Source: Macrobius, Saturnalia, II, 4, 11.
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33. A Quick-Thinking Fraud
Ἀφυεῖ Ğάντει προσελθὼν τις ἐξ ἀποδηĞίας ἀνιὼν ἠρώτα
περὶ τῶν οἰκείων/ὁ δὲ εἶπεν· Ὑγιαίνουσι πάντες/καὶ ὁ
πατήρ σου1τοῦ δὲ εἰπόντος ὅτι Ὁ πατήρ Ğου δέκατον ἔτος
ἔχει ἀφ᾿ οὗ ἀπέθανεν ìἀπεκρίνατο· Οὐδὲν γὰρ οἶδας τὸν
κατὰ ἀλήθειαν σου πατέρα1
Returning home from a trip abroad, someone visited an in-
competent prophet and asked him about his household, and he
said: “They are all healthy, including your father.” And
when the man said, “But it’s been ten years since my father
died”, the prophet answered “You don’t know your true
father.”
This is Philogelos 201. The traveller is checking up on his household be-
fore going home, to see if unpleasant news awaits him.
Source: Philogelos : Der Lachfreund, ed. A. Thierfelder, München, 1968.
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34. Another Pointy-Headed Intellectual
Σχολαστικὸς ἰδὼν πολλοὺς στρουθοὺς ἐπὶ δένδρου ἑστῶτας/
ἁπλώσας τὸν κόλπον ἔσειε τὸ δένδρον ὡς ὑποδεξάĞενος τὰ
στρουθία1
A pedant, seeing many sparrows perched on a tree, spread out
his cloak and kept shaking the tree to catch the birds.
The point is that shaking a tree with a cloak spread out beneath is the proper
way to gather ripe fruits and nuts. Sparrows were also eaten, but other
methods were obviously used to catch them. This is Philogelos 19.
Source: Philogelos : Der Lachfreund, ed. A. Thierfelder, München, 1968.
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35. A Halitosis Joke
ὈζόστοĞος τὴν γυναῖκα ἠρώτα λέγων· Κυρία/τί Ğε Ğισεῖς>
κἀκείνη ἀπεκρίνατο λέγουσα· Ὅτι σὺ Ğε φιλεῖς1
A man with bad breath asked his wife: “Dear, why do you
hate me?” And she answered: “Because you love me.”
This is Philogelos 234. There is a pun in the last word, which means not
only ‘love’ but ‘kiss’.
Source: Philogelos : Der Lachfreund, ed. A. Thierfelder, München, 1968.
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36. A Donkey Joke
Σχολαστικὸς θέλων αὐτοῦ τὸν ὄνον διδάξαι Ğὴ τρώγειν οὐ
παρέβαλεν αὐτῶι τροφάς1ἀποθανόντος δὲ τοῦ ὄνου ἀπὸ
λιĞοῦ ἔλεγε· Μεγάλα ἐζηĞιώθην· ὅτε γὰρ ἔĞαθε Ğὴ
τρώγειν/τότε ἀπέθανεν1
Wishing to teach his donkey not to eat, a pedant did not offer
him any food. When the donkey died of hunger, he said:
“I’ve had a great loss. Just when he had learned not to eat, he
died.”
This is Philogelos 9.
Source: Philogelos : Der Lachfreund, ed. A. Thierfelder, München, 1968.
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37. Cicero on Caesar
. . . ab Androne quodam Laodiceno salutatus, cum causam
adventus requisisset comperissetque — nam ille se legatum
de libertate patriae ad Caesarem venisse respondit — ita ex-
pressit publicam servitutem: ἐὰν ἐπιτύχηις καὶ περὶ ἡĞῶν
πρέσβευσον.
. . . greeted by a certain Andron from Laodicea, he asked what
had brought him to Rome and, hearing that the man had come
as an envoy to Caesar to beg freedom for his city, he made
open reference to the servile state of Rome by saying, in
Greek: “If you are successful, put in a word for us too.”
A joke for the 2042nd anniversary of the murder of Cicero. The context is
the dictatorship of Julius Caesar. The dots mark the omission of the irrele-
vant connection to the previous joke. The freedom of Laodicea for which
Andron pleaded would of course have been purely nominal.
Source: Macrobius, Saturnalia, II, 3, 12.
Translation borrowed from Percival Vaughan Davies, Macrobius: The
Saturnalia, New York and London, 1969.
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38. A Botched Cross-Examination
Plancus in iudicio forte amici, cum molestum testem de-
struere vellet, interrogavit, quia sutorem sciebat, quo arti-
ficio se tuereretur. ille urbane respondit: gallam subigo.
sutorium hoc habetur instrumentum, quod non infacete in
adulterii exprobrationem ambiguitate convertit. nam
Plancus in Maevia Galla nupta male audiebat.
Plancus happened to be in court as counsel for a friend and,
wishing to discredit a hostile witness, whom he knew to be a
cobbler, asked him how he made a living. The man neatly
replied: “Grinding gall” (gallam subigo), for cobblers make
such use of gallnuts for their work, and by the double enten-
dre cleverly turned the question so as to charge Plancus with
adultery, for stories were going round of his association with
one Maevia Galla, a married woman.
The pun turns on the identical sound of galla, ‘gall’, and Galla, a woman’s
name, and the fact that subigere, ‘grind, knead, plough, rub’, was used
metaphorically for sexual intercourse.
Source: Macrobius, Saturnalia, II, 2, 6.
Translation borrowed from Percival Vaughan Davies, Macrobius: The
Saturnalia, New York and London, 1969.
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39. Augustus Outmanoeuvered
Solebat descendenti a Palatio Caesari honorificum aliquod
epigramma porrigere Graeculus. id cum frustra saepe
fecisset rursusque eum idem facturum vidisset Augustus,
breve sua manu in charta exaravit Graecum epigramma,
pergenti deinde ad se obviam misit. ille legendo laudare,
mirari tam voce quam vultu; cumque accessisset ad sellam,
demissa in fundam pauperem manu paucos denarios pro-
tulit quae principi daret. adiectus hic sermo: νὴ τὴν σὴν
τύχην/Σεβαστέ· εἰ πλέον εἶχον/πλέον ἐδίδουν. secuto
omnium risu dispensatorem Caesar vocavit et sestertia
centum milia numerare Graeculo iussit.
As he went down from his residence on the Palatine, a seedy-
looking Greek used to offer him a complimentary epigram.
This the man did on many occasions without success, and
Augustus, seeing him about to do it again, wrote a short
epigram in Greek with his own hand and sent it to the fellow
as he drew near. The Greek read it and praised it, expressing
admiration both in words and by his looks. Then, coming up
to the imperial chair, he put his hand in a shabby purse and
drew out a few pence, to give them to the emperor, saying as
he did so: “I swear by thy Good Fortune, Augustus, if I had
more, I should give you more.” There was laughter all
around, and Augustus, summoning his steward, ordered him
to pay out a hundred thousand sesterces to the Greek.
I presume that the seedy Greek offers a different epigram each time. The
emperor uses his entourage to handle interactions with the public.
Source: Macrobius, Saturnalia, II, 4, 31. Translation by Percival Vaughan
Davies, Macrobius: The Saturnalia, New York and London, 1969.
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40. A Literary Cockroach
Ἐχθίστη Μούσαις σελιδηφάγε λωβήτειρα
φωλὰς ἀεὶ σοφίης κλέĞĞατα φερβοĞένη/
τίπτε κελαινόχρος ἱεραῖς ψήφοισι λοχάζηι/
σίλφη/τὴν φθονερὴν εἰκόνα πλαττοĞένη>
φεῦγ᾿ ἀπὸ Μουσάων/ἴθι τηλόσε/Ğηδ᾿ ὅσον ὄψει
βασκάνωι ἄψηφον δόξαν ἐπεισαγάγηις.
Detested by the Muses, column-devouring mutilator, hole-
haunter, eternally feeding on pilferings from wisdom’s pages,
O black of hue, why lurk in ambush among my sacred ac-
counts, cockroach, moulding therein your spiteful image? Fly
from the Muses, begone afar, nor with so much as a malicious
glance bring me the repute of one who is of no account.
I wonder whether there is a literary metaphor in the poem. Is Euenus
thinking of his critics? Some of the words seem appropriate, others less so.
As Gow and Page note, it looks as if the contents of the book (
ψήφοισι
, 3)
are not literary but arithmetic or astrological. They also wonder about the
meaning of line 4: how can the cockroach ‘mold its own image’ in a book?
I wonder if this refers to the cockroach’s habit of leaving its droppings in
books. If Euenus thinks of the cockroach as no better than a piece of (its
own) excrement, it might be just possible to call that an image of itself. My
interpretation is difficult, but the alternatives seem worse. (Cockroaches I
have known seem to prefer to damage the newest and most expensive
books. It appears that just as humans feel most comfortable relieving them-
selves when surrounded by many square yards of clean porcelain, cock-
roaches prefer an expanse of pages in a brand new book.)
Text and translation taken from The Greek Anthology: The Garland of
Philip, ed. A. S. F. Gow and D. L. Page (Cambridge, 2 volumes, 1968).
This is Euenus I in Gow-Page, poem IX, 251 in the Greek Anthology.
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41. Perfect Justice
Μωρὸς ἀκούσας/ὅτι ἐν Ἅιδου δίκαια κριτήρια/πρᾶγĞα
ἔχων ἀπήγξατο.
A simpleton who was involved in a lawsuit was told that the
fairest judgments were those in Hades. So he hanged himself.
This joke is Philogelos 109. There are surprisingly few legal jokes in the
collection.
Text quoted from Philogelos : Der Lachfreund, ed. A. Thierfelder, Mün-
chen, 1968. Translation quoted from The Philogelos or Laughter-Lover,
translated with an introduction and commentary by Barry Baldwin, Amster-
dam, 1983.
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42. Perfect Justice
Μακροτέρωι σταυρῶι σταυρούĞενον ἄλλον ἑαυτοῦ
ὁ φθονερὸς ∆ιοφῶν ἐγγὺς ἰδὼν ἐτάκη.
Seeing another nearby crucified on a higher cross than him-
self, envious Diophon pined away.
This is Greek Anthology XI, 192. The author is Lucillius, last seen in Joke
18. No explanation needed here.
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43. Palladas on Interdisciplinary Studies
Τέκνον ἀναιδείης/ἀĞαθέστατε/θρέĞĞα Ğορίης/
εἰπέ/τί βρενθύηι Ğηδὲν ἐπιστάĞενος>
ἐν Ğὲν γραĞĞατικοῖς ὁ Πλατωνικός· ἂν δὲ Πλάτωνος
δόγĞατά τις ζητῆι/γραĞĞατικὸς σὺ πάλιν1
ἐξ ἑτέρου φεύγεις ἐπὶ θάτερον· οὔτε δὲ τέχνην
οἶσθα γραĞĞατικήν/οὔτε Πλατωνικὸς εἶ.
Child of shamelessness, most ignorant, foster-child of stupi-
dity, tell me, why do you hold your head high, though you
know nothing? Among the grammarians you are a Platonist,
but if someone asks about Plato’s teachings, you are once
again a grammarian. You flee from the one to the other, but
neither do you know the grammatical art nor are you a
Platonist.
Palladas (late 4
th
century) is one of the most distinctive voices in the Greek
Anthology, where this is epigram XI, 305. In the words of the Oxford Clas-
sical Dictionary, his poems are “black, bitter, and cynically humorous”.
Meter: Elegiac couplet.
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44. Lucilius on a Lazy Man
Οὕτως ἔστ᾿ ἀργὸς Πανταίνετος/ὥστε πυρέξας
Ğηκέτ᾿ ἀναστῆναι παντὸς ἐδεῖτο θεοῦ1
καὶ νῦν οὐκ ἐθέλων Ğὲν ἐγείρεται/ἐν δέ οἱ αὐτῶι
κωφὰ θεῶν ἀδίκων οὔατα ĞεĞφόĞενος.
Pantaenetus is so lazy that when he fell sick of a fever he
prayed to every god never to get up again. And now he
leaves his bed unwillingly, and in his heart blames the deaf
ears of the unjust gods.
Text and translation from the Loeb edition of The Greek Anthology,
volume IV, edited by W. R. Paton (Cambridge, MA, 1918, revised 1979).
This is epigram IX, 311. Lucillius has been heard from before, in Jokes 18
and 42.
Meter: Elegiac couplet.
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45. Lucillius Again
Εἴσιδεν Ἀντίοχος τὴν ΛυσιĞάχου ποτὲ τύλην/
κοὐκέτι τὴν τύλην εἴσιδε ΛυσίĞαχος.
Antiochus once set eyes on Lysimachus’ cushion, and
Lysimachus never set eyes on it again.
As with joke 44, the text and translation are quoted from the Loeb edition
of The Greek Anthology, volume IV, edited by W. R. Paton (Cambridge,
MA, 1918, revised 1979). This is epigram IX, 315. The joke is not parti-
cularly funny, but the phrasing is very neat, with most of the same words
repeated in a different order and (in some cases) slightly different forms
from the first line to the second.
Meter: Elegiac couplet.
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46. Palladas on an Incompetent Doctor
Βέλτερον ἩγέĞονος ληιστοκτόνου ἐς κρίσιν ἐλθεῖν/
ἢ τοῦ χειρουργοῦ Γενναδίου παλάĞας1
ὃς Ğὲν γὰρ φονέας ὁσίως στυγέων κατατέĞνει·
ὃς δὲ λαβὼν Ğισθοὺς εἰς ἀίδην κατάγει1
Better to be judged by Hegemon, the slayer of robbers, than
to fall into the hands of the surgeon Gennadius. For he exe-
cutes murderers in just hatred, but Gennadius takes a fee for
sending you down to Hades.
Text and translation are quoted from the Loeb edition of The Greek Antho-
logy, volume IV, edited by W. R. Paton (Cambridge, MA, 1918, revised
1979). This is epigram IX, 280. We last saw Palladas in Joke 43. The
word translated ‘murder’ actually means ‘cut into pieces’: the method of
execution is not entirely clear, but it is obviously more violent than hem-
lock.
Meter: Elegiac couplet.
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47. A Legal Subtlety
Fdvfhoolxvlxulvfrqvxowxvxuedqlwdwlvpludholehuwdwlvtxh
kdehedwxu/ sudhflsxhwdphqlvorfxvhlxvlqqrwxlw1odslgdwxv
d srsxorYdwlqlxvfxpjodgldwrulxppxqxvhghuhw/rewlqx0
hudw xwdhglohvhglfhuhqw/qhtxlvlqkduhqdpqlvlsrpxp
plvlvvhyhoohw1iruwhklvglhexvFdvfhoolxvfrqvxowxvdtxr0
gdpdqqx{slqhdsrpxphvvhwuhvsrqglw=çvllqYdwlqlxp
plvvxuxvhv/srpxphvw1é
The lawyer Cascellius had a reputation for a remarkably
outspoken wit, and here is one of his best known quips. Vati-
nius had been stoned by the populace at a gladiatorial show
which he was giving, and so he prevailed on the aediles to
make a proclamation forbidding the throwing of anything but
fruit in the arena. Now it so happened that Cascellius at that
time was asked by a client to advise whether a fircone was a
fruit or not, and his reply was: “If you propose to throw one
at Vatinius, it is.”
It is interesting that throwing fruit was not forbidden, and puzzling that
Cascellius’ client could possibly need to know whether a fircone is a fruit
or not.
Source: Macrobius, Saturnalia, II, 6, 1.
Translation borrowed from Percival Vaughan Davies, Macrobius: The
Saturnalia, New York and London, 1969.
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48. Artistic Crudity
DsxgO1Pdoolxp/txlrswlpxvslfwruUrpdhkdehedwxu/
VhuylolxvJhplqxviruwhfhqdedw/fxptxhilolrvhlxvghiruphv
ylglvvhw/çqrqvlplolwhué/lqtxlw/çPdool/ilqjlvhwslqjlvé1hw
Pdoolxv/çlqwhqheulvhqlpilqjr/élqtxlwçoxfhslqjré1
Servilius Geminus happened to be dining at the house of
Lucius Mallius, who was held to be the best portrait painter in
Rome and, noticing how misshapen his host’s sons were,
observed: “Your modeling, Mallius, does not come up to
your painting.” “Naturally”, replied Mallius, “for the
modeling is done in the dark but the painting by daylight.”
The Latin is much more pointed than any possible translation, since
‘fashion’ and ‘paint’ — fingis and pingis — are nearly identical in sound.
The joke is put in the mouth of Macrobius’ character Euangelus, but I have
omitted the context and the outer quotation marks.
Source: Macrobius, Saturnalia, II, 2, 10.
Translation borrowed from Percival Vaughan Davies, Macrobius: The
Saturnalia, New York and London, 1969.
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49. Argentarius Puns Again
Ποιεῖς πάντα/Μέλισσα/φιλανθέος ἔργα Ğελίσσης·
οἶδα καὶ ἐς κραδίην τοῦτο/γύναι/τίθεĞαι·
καὶ Ğέλι Ğὲν στάζεις ὑπὸ χείλεσιν ἡδὺ φιλεῦσα/
ἢν δ᾿ αἰτῆις/κέντρωι τύĞĞα φέρεις ἄδικον1
You do all the deeds of the flower-loving bee, Melissa: I
know this, woman, and I lay it to heart. Sweetly kissing, you
drip honey down from your lips; but when you ask for things,
you bring an unjust blow with your sting.
Argentarius was last seen in Joke 15. This is Argentarius II in Gow-Page,
poem V, 32 in the Greek Anthology. The pun is not his worst. That will
come in the next joke.
1. Melissa means “bee”.
3. G-P translate “ask your fee”, but no object is expressed, and a profes-
sional prostitute would normally specify her fee in advance. Melissa must
be a semi-professional or a greedy amateur (hard to draw the line), who
asks for presents (possibly monetary), but with no specific quid pro quo.
That is why her request comes as an unpleasant surprise. Or is she giving
out free kisses as a form of marketing?
4. The idea that an epigram should have ‘a sting in its tail’ is apparently
much later (Schiller, I think). Otherwise, we might suspect Argentarius of
indulging in the form of wit that matches form to meaning.
Source: Text and commentary in The Greek Anthology: The Garland of
Philip, ed. A. S. F. Gow and D. L. Page (Cambridge, 2 volumes, 1968).
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50. The Worst Puns in the Greek Language?
Ἀντιγόνη/Σικελὴ πάρος ἦσθά Ğοι· ὡς δ᾿ ἐγενήθης
Αἰτωλή/κἀγὼ Μῆδος/ἰδού/γέγονα1
To me you were formerly a Sicilian, Antigone; but since you
have become an Aetolian, look, I have become a Mede.
Gow and Page substitute English puns (possibly the worst in
this language) for the original Greek ones:
For me in time past, Antigone, you were the girl from Sicily;
since you became a Cheque, I have become a No-wagian.
This is Argentarius V G-P, epigram V, 102 in the Greek Anthology. The
two puns in the second line are clear enough: since she has begun to ask
(as if Αἰτωλή were related to αἰτεῖν) for money or gifts, he has become a
“don’t give” (Μῆδος @Ğὴ δός). The point of ‘Sicilian’ in the first line is not
yet satisfactorily explained. Some have argued that it alludes to Latin sic
‘yes’ and alludes to her previous willingness, but the quantity of the i
differs. I wonder whether it refers to Sicilian cuisine, which was abundant
and varied: had she previously offered a ‘smorgasbord’ of sexual delights?
Source: Text and commentary in The Greek Anthology: The Garland of
Philip, ed. A. S. F. Gow and D. L. Page (Cambridge, 2 volumes, 1968).
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51. More Argentarius, This Time With No Puns
Στέρνα περὶ στέρνοις/Ğαστῶι δ᾿ ἐπὶ Ğαστὸν ἐρείσας
χείλεά τε γλυκεροῖς χείλεσι συĞπιέσας
Ἀντιγόνης καὶ χρῶτα λαβὼν πρὸς χρῶτα/τὰ λοιπά
σιγῶ/Ğάρτυς ἐφ᾿ οἷς λύχνος ἐπεγράφετο1
Leaning chest to chest, breast to breast, pressing lips on sweet
lips, and taking Antigone's skin to my skin, I keep silent about
the other things, to which the lamp is registered as witness.
Not precisely a joke, this is Argentarius XIII G-P, epigram V, 128 in the
Greek Anthology. A teasing poem, in the form of a praeteritio. We
wonder just how far he will go in the naming of parts. Is there also a puzzle
about what would come next. If he continues with specific names, he can
hardly keep up the polyptoton, since the male and female parts have
different names. Does he stop talking because his grammatical scheme no
longer works? Or are we to imagine that the omitted climax (no pun
intended) would have been something along the lines of αἰδοίοις πρὸς
αἰδοῖα? In that case, the omission is tasteful.
4. Is the mention of the lamp particularly appropriate here? It illuminates
them for each other without revealing anything to us.
Source: Text and commentary in The Greek Anthology: The Garland of
Philip, ed. A. S. F. Gow and D. L. Page (Cambridge, 2 volumes, 1968).
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52. More Terrible Argentarian Puns
Ἀρχαίη σύνδειπνε/καπηλικὰ Ğέτρα φιλεῦσα/
εὔλαλε πρηΰγελως εὔστοĞε Ğακροφάρυξ/
αἰὲν ἐĞῆς πενίης βραχυσύĞβολε Ğύστι λάγυνε/
ἦλθες ὅĞως ὑπ᾿ ἐĞὴν χεῖρά ποτ᾿ χρόνιος1
αἴθ᾿ ὄφελες καὶ ἄĞικτος ἀνύĞφευτός τε παρείης/
ἄφθορος ὡς κούρη πρὸς πόσιν ἐρχοĞένη1
Ancient comrade of the feast, lover of the shopman's
measures, sweet-talking, soft-laughing, large-lipped, long-
throated, ever sharing my poverty's secrets at small expense
to yourself, late, flagon, but at last you have come under my
hand. If only I had you pure and unmated, like a maid
coming undefiled to her husband.
This is Argentarius XXIV G-P, epigram IX, 229 in the Greek Anthology. It
is sympotic and pseudo-erotic. The addressee seems at first to be a woman,
and is only revealed to be a wine-jug (lágunos) at the end of line 3. The
last two epithets in line 2 suggest a woman of easy virtue. There are two
horrible puns in the last couplet. As Gow and Page put it, ἀνύĞφευτος in
line 5 means “of the flagon, ‘not mingled with the Nymphs’ (i.e. with
water); of the bride ‘οὔπω φιλότητι Ğιγεῖσα’ and unwedded”. Πόσις in line
6 means both ‘(the act of) drinking’ and ‘husband’. Gow and Page wonder
“why he should have been separated from his flagon” and offer uncon-
vincing suggestions. It seems to me that she has been going around to the
other guests at the implied symposium before getting to him: he is saying
that he would have preferred a virgin jug, not previously enjoyed by his
friends.
Source: Text and translation taken from The Greek Anthology: The Gar-
land of Philip, ed. A. S. F. Gow and D. L. Page (Cambridge, 2 volumes,
1968).
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December 23, 2000
53. A Two-Liner from Martial
Moechum Gellia non habet nisi unum.
turpe est hoc magis: uxor est duorum.
Gellia has only one lover. What’s shameful is that she has
two husbands.
This is Martial VI, 90: very compact, with a nice twist. To set up for it,
Martial slyly implies that a woman who keeps only one lover is a bit of a
prude.
Meter: Phalaecian.
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December 24, 2000
54. Diogenes on the Difference a Finger Makes
Τοὺς πλείστους ἔλεγε παρὰ δάκτυλον Ğαίνεσθαι· ἐὰν οὖν
τις τὸν Ğέσον προτείνας πορεύηται/δόξει τωι Ğαίνεσθαι/ἐὰν
δὲ τὸν λιχανόν/οὐκέτι.
Most people, he would say, are so nearly mad that a finger
makes all the difference. For, if you go along with your
middle finger stretched out, some one will think you mad,
but, if it’s the little finger, he will not think so.
Source: Diogenes Laërtius, Lives of the Philosophers, VI, 35. Text and
translation taken from the Loeb edition of R. D. Hicks (2 volumes, Cam-
bridge, MA, 1929).
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December 25, 2000
55. Martial on Rewraps
Omnia misisti mihi Saturnalibus, Vmber,
munera, contulerant quae tibi quinque dies:
bis senos triplices et dentiscalpia septem;
his comes accessit spongea, mappa, calix,
semodiusque fabae cum uimine Picenarum
et Laletanae nigra lagona sapae;
paruaque cum canis uenerunt cottana prunis
et Libycae fici pondere testa grauis.
Vix puto triginta nummorum tota fuisse
munera, quae grandes octo tulere Syri.
Quanto commodius nullo mihi ferre labore
argenti potuit pondera quinque puer!
(translation and notes on next page)
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Last Saturnalia, friend, I think
You must have passed along
To me each little gift you got
Yourself; now am I wrong?
Twelve tablets, seven toothpicks came;
Sponge, napkin, cup not far
Behind, a half a peck of beans,
Some olives, a black jar
Of cheap new wine, some withered prunes,
Some figlets (not too big),
And a monstrous heavy urn, filled up
With the other kind of fig.
I’d say these gifts, in all, were worth
30 sesterces or less,
But eight huge Syrian slaves were needed
To carry the whole mess.
I have a better plan: next year
When you’re sending gifts to me
You’ll find one boy could tote five pounds
Of silver easily!
A Saturnalia poem for Christmas Day. Source: Martial VII, 53,
translated by
Dorothea Wender. (I trust one poem comes under ‘fair use’.)
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December 26, 2000
56. Lucian Tells a Little Moron Joke
Ἔσβεσε τὸν λύχνον Ğῶρος/ψυλλῶν ὑπὸ πολλῶν
δακνόĞενος/λέξας· çΟὐκέτι Ğε βλέπετεé.
Bitten by many fleas, a fool put out the lamp, saying “You
can’t see me now”.
This is Greek Anthology XI, 432. ‘You’ is plural, and some might be in-
clined to translate ‘y’all’. No further explanation necessary.
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December 27, 2000
57. Another Two-Liner from Martial
Heredem tibi me, Catulle, dicis.
non credo nisi legero, Catulle.
You say that I am your heir, Catullus. I won’t believe it
unless I read it, Catullus.
This is Martial XII, 73. The ostensible meaning is ‘put it in writing’, but
the clear implication is ‘I want to read it in your will’, which is an elegant
way of saying ‘drop dead’. Shackleton Bailey comments on the idiomatic
use of the present credo where a future would be more logical. This
Catullus is a mere dummy name, with no connection to the late Republican
poet, though the latter was one of Martial’s principal models.
Meter: Phalaecian.
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December 28, 2000
58. Lucillius on a Five-Toed Sloth
Εἰς φυλακὴν βληθείς ποτε Μάρκος ὁ ἀργός/ἑκοντί/
ὀκνῶν ἐξελθεῖν/ὡĞολόγησε φόνον.
Once when he had been thrown into prison, slothful Marcus,
being too lazy to come out, voluntarily confessed to a murder.
This is Greek Anthology XI, 276. Lucillius has been heard from before, in
Jokes 18, 42, 44, and 45. He had obviously been jailed for a far lesser
offence.
Meter: Elegiac couplet.
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December 29, 2000
59. Martial on the Perfect Couple
Cum sitis similes paresque vita,
uxor pessima, pessimus maritus,
miror non bene convenire vobis.
Since the two of you are alike and
equal in your way of life, a rotten
wife and a rotten husband, I am
surprised you don’t suit
one another.
This is Martial VIII, 35. Translation from Shackleton Bailey’s Loeb. No
explanation necessary. Meter: Phalaecian.
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December 30, 2000
60. A Hermetic Pun — Argentarius Again
Παρθένον Ἀλκίππην ἐφίλουν Ğέγα/καί ποτε πείσας
αὐτὴν λαθριδίως εἶχον ἐπὶ κλισίη·
ἀĞφοτέρων δὲ στέρνον ἐπάλλετο/Ğή τις ἐπέλθηι/
Ğή τις ἴδηι τὰ πόθων κρυπτὰ περισσότερων.
Ğητέρα δ᾿ οὐκ ἔλαθεν κλίνη λάλος/ἀλλ᾿ ἐσιδοῦσα
ἐξαπίνης ῾ἙρĞῆς κοινός᾿ ἔφη ῾θύγατερé1
I was very much in love with the virgin Alkippe, and one day
I persuaded her and held her secretly on the bed. Both our
hearts were pounding, lest anyone should come by, lest
anyone see the secrets of our surpassing passion. But her
mother noticed the chattering bed and looked in suddenly and
said "Share your Hermes, daughter".
This is Argentarius XII G-P, epigram V, 127 in the Greek Anthology.
Hermes is the god of (among other things) the lucky find (hermaion).
‘Share your Hermes’ is what you say when you spot a hermaion at the same
time as someone else. The epigram implies the satirical stereotype of the
lustful old woman, though that is only background. The fact that the
narrator is apparently both naked and ithyphallic makes him a different sort
of Hermes: in modern terms, a herm.
Source: Text and translation taken from The Greek Anthology: The Gar-
land of Philip, ed. A. S. F. Gow and D. L. Page (Cambridge, 2 volumes,
1968).
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December 31, 2000
61. Ephemeral Ambition
Caninius . . . Rebilus, qui uno die . . . consul fuit, rostra
cum ascendisset, pariter honorem iniit consulatus et eiera-
vit; quod Cicero omni gaudens occasione urbanitatis incre-
puit, ‘λογοθεώρητος est Caninius consul’; et deinde: ‘hoc
consecutus est Rebilus, ut quaereretur quibus consulibus
consul fuerit’. dicere praeterea non destitit: ‘vigilantem
habemus consulem Caninium, qui in consulatu suo somnum
non vidit’.
Caninius Rebilus . . . was consul for only a single day and
mounted the rostrum to assume the office of the consulate and
at the same time to relinquish it. Cicero therefore, who
welcomed every chance to make a humorous remark, referred
to him slightingly as a “notional consul” and later said of him:
“He has done this much: he has obliged us to ask in whose
consulship he was consul”, adding, “We have a wide-awake
consul in Caninius, for while in office he never slept a wink”.
A quotation for New Year’s Eve. I have deleted some irrelevant context.
Roman consuls served from January 1
st
to December 31
st
. When a consul
resigned or died in office, a substitute was appointed to fill out his term. Q.
Fabius Maximus died suddenly on December 31
st
, 45 B.C., and Julius
Caesar appointed Gaius Caninius Rebilus to fill the few hours of his
unexpired term. Caninius was a loyal Caesarian: he has a bit part in the
Gallic War. Today we would probably say “virtual” rather than “notional”.
In the first line, uno die is ‘ablative of time within which’: if Macrobius
had written unum diem, he would have implied that Caninius was consul for
an entire day, which would have been a gross exaggeration. Source:
Macrobius, Saturnalia, II, 3, 6. Translation adapted from Percival Vaughan
Davies, Macrobius: The Saturnalia, New York and London, 1969.
www.curculio.org/Ioci/december.pdf