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Post by Arxileas on Oct 29, 2007 7:33:35 GMT -5
WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND:
Definitely not!
WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND:
Of course I do.
WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE:
You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND:
(makes audible groan).
WIFE:
Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Where else would we sleep?
WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new
WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.
WIFE:
- - silence - -
HUSBAND:
F@$#
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Post by Arxileas on Oct 30, 2007 9:20:55 GMT -5
'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. 'Watson, you idiot!" he says.
"Someone has stolen our tent!"
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Post by Arxileas on Nov 4, 2007 8:10:05 GMT -5
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many sales did you make today?"
Kid says, "One."
Boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
Kid says "$201,237.64."
Boss says "201,237.64?? What the heck did you sell?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod.Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat; we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Mercedes would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him an Escalade."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing."
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Post by Teuta1975 on Nov 4, 2007 12:34:46 GMT -5
A man works late hours and each night when he returns home, he kicks off his boots in the air and they make a loud thump when landing on the floor. After a few weeks of this, his downstair neighbor knocks on the door to complain about the noise. He apologized and promised he would stop. The next night at 1am, he forgot and kicked off the first boot, then remembered and slowly removed the second boot.
At 4am there was a knock at the door and to his surprise it was his downstairs neighbor. The neighbor asked "when are you going to take off the other boot because we cannot sleep until you do".
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Post by Arxileas on Nov 4, 2007 16:38:24 GMT -5
This trucker was driving along the interstate when he saw this sign: 150 miles to Sisters of the Holy Family Whorehouse. Intrigued he drives on further, then sees another sign: 100 miles to Sister of the Holy Family Whorehouse. And so on. He thinks it's been awhile, think I'll stay there for the evening. Pulls into the parking lot of the Sisters of the Holy Family Whorehouse and knocks on the door. Sure enough, a nun wearing her habit answers his knock. Trucker asks, how much for one night? Nun says, $50 bucks. Trucker says, here's your money! Where do I go?
The nun replies, straight down the hall to that door. Good night, sir. Trucker practically runs down the hall, flings open the door and closes it behind him. To his astonishment he is back outside again. Looks at the sign on the wall behind him: You've Just Been Screwed By the Sisters of the Holy Family.
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Post by Arxileas on Nov 5, 2007 19:03:57 GMT -5
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in NYC. A woman may go to choose the husband of her dreams. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. They read:
You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch....You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So, a woman goes to the husband store in search of her dream husband....
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: FLOOR 1: These men have jobs.
The second floor sign reads: FLOOR 2: These men have jobs and love children.
The third floor sign reads: FLOOR 3: These men have jobs, love children, and are extremely good looking. "WOW!" she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes up to the fourth floor and the sign on the door reads: FLOOR 4: These men have jobs, love children, are drop-dead gorgeous, and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor where the sign on the door reads: FLOOR 5: These men have jobs, love children, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
The woman is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor thinking that this man will add one more attribute and be PERFECT.
The sixth floor sign reads: FLOOR 6: You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men available on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
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Post by Arxileas on Nov 7, 2007 2:12:43 GMT -5
A little fellow is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little man starts crying.
"Come on fellow. I was just giving you a hard time." the biker says. "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," claims the little guy between sobs.
"I slept in and missed an important meeting, so my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance.
I left my wallet in the cab I took home.
I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me.
So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life...
And then you show up and drink the darn poison!!
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Dèsîŗĕ Yèarning
Senior Moderator
Simarik Turkish Pwincess
Know yourself...
Posts: 3,563
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Post by Dèsîŗĕ Yèarning on Nov 10, 2007 21:09:12 GMT -5
A Turkish man, a Dutchman, a Frenchman, a British man, a German man, a Russian man and a Iranian man are flying on a plane....
as they fly over Britian the british guy says: oh look at my country..our beer is best in the world.. as they fly over france the frenchman says: oh look at my country..our women are the best kissers as they fly over holland the dutchman says : oh look at my country...we have our famous bungalows as they fly over germany the german guys says: oh look at my country.. we have amazing cars as they fly over Russia the russian guys says: oh look at my country...our kgb would know even when a fly started flying anywhere in the world as they fly over Iran the Iranian says: oh look at my country... we have the softest rugs in the world so the Turkish guy starts thinking..what can I say we have so many wonderful things, but I want to be extra .... he then starts oh look at my country Turkey.. our men are very famous.. they can drink the british beer, while kissing the french girl, drive in a german car to the dutch bungalows,fck her on a Iranian rug and the russian kgb wouldnt know a thing......
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Post by Arxileas on Nov 26, 2007 5:30:45 GMT -5
There was an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman who worked on a building site. It was time for their lunch so the Englishman opened his lunch box and saw that he had a cheese sandwich "If I get a cheese sandwich one more time i will throw myself off this building site." The Scotsman opens his lunchbox and finds a ham sandwich. "If i get a Ham sandwich one more time i will throw myself off this building site. The Irishman opens his lunchbox and finds a jam sandwich. "If i find a jam sandwich one more time i'm gonna throw myself off this building site."
So the next day arrives and the Englishman has a cheese sandwich, so he jumps off the building site and kills himself. The Scotsman opens his lunch box and he finds a ham sandwich, so he jumps off the bridge as well.
The Irishman opens his lunch box and notices he has a jam sandwich so he also jumps off of the building site and kills himself.
At the funeral the 3 wives meet up and the Englishman's' wife says "If only i would have known he didn't like cheese then i would have made him another sandwich"
The Scotsman's' wife says "All he had to do was tell me he didn't like ham and i would have made him another sandwich.
The Irishman's' wife looks at both of em and says 'I don't know why he killed himself.... he makes his own bloody sandwiches."
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Post by Arxileas on Nov 28, 2007 0:34:16 GMT -5
Three Greeks and Three Turks
Three Greeks, Costa, George and Niko as well as three Turks, Ali, Mehmet and Mustafa are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the Turks each buy one ticket and watch as the Greeks buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks Melik. "Watch and you'll see," answers Costa. They all board the train. The Turks take their respective seats but all three Greeks cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Turks saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Turks decide to copy the Greeks on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Greeks don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says Alican. "Watch and you'll see," answers Niko.
When they board the train the 3 Turks cram into a restroom and the 3 Greeks cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Greeks leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Turks are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
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Post by Arxileas on Nov 29, 2007 8:08:30 GMT -5
A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and then rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered. "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."
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Post by Arxileas on Dec 14, 2007 18:28:05 GMT -5
A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced... "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand!"
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Post by Arxileas on Dec 26, 2007 16:33:37 GMT -5
An Albanian kid comes home and says to his mum "Mummy, mummy, i have the biggest d1ck in Grade 3, is it because i am special".
The mother looks at her Albanian son and says "No sweety, its because your 19".
;D
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Post by tripwire on Dec 26, 2007 19:32:26 GMT -5
NEW DRUGS FOR THE STRESSED OUT MODERN WORKER DAMNITOL Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours. EMPTYNESTROGEN Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding y ou of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out! ST. MOMMA'S WORT Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days. PEPTOBIMBO Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception. DUMBEROL When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks. FLIPITOR Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. MENICILLIN Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, 'You make me want to be a better person. ' BUYAGRA Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree. JACKASSPIRIN Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat ANTI-TALKSIDENT A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators. NAGAMENT When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.
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Post by Teuta1975 on Dec 26, 2007 22:33:22 GMT -5
An old man asks his wife if she ever betrayed him in their life. YES - she honeslty answers...but only 3 times.... -What? - he asks disappointed-...when? -well... the first time was when we got the loan from the bank and I went to meet the Director in private to help us out for the new home... -the second one when you were sick and we couldn't afford the Doctor...I met the Doctor in private and he cured you out of charge... -and the third one??? - he asks. -well... :-[do you remember when you were elected in Parliament and you needed additional 356 votes ?!!
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Bozur
Amicus
Posts: 5,515
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Post by Bozur on Jan 1, 2008 15:00:41 GMT -5
Dumb Bank, Smart Blond joke:A blond walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan Officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for three weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to $350,000 Bentley. After verifying ownership of the car, the bank gives her the $5,000 loan. The bankers enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $350,000 Bentley as collateral against a $5,000 loan, and one of the banker s then proceeds to drive the Bentley into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Three weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $19.50. The banker says, We are very happy to have your business, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a billionaire. So why did you bother to lose your Bentley for three weeks and to borrow $5,000? The blonde replies, Where else in New York City can I park my car for three weeks for only $19.50 and expect it to be there when I return? link
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Post by BibleRiot on Jan 22, 2008 19:45:36 GMT -5
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. Short line. Just one guy in front of me…
The guy in front of me was an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little agitated…
He asked the teller, “Why it change? Yestoday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen ~ today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?”
The teller says, “Fluctuations.”
The Asian guy says, “Fluc you people too!”
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Post by Arxileas on Jan 28, 2008 15:10:00 GMT -5
A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.
The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened.
He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on coming home before him. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.
Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Is the cat there?" "Of course, why do you ask?" answered the wife. Frustrated the man said, "Put that cat on the phone, I'm lost and I need directions
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Post by Arxileas on Mar 3, 2008 1:27:10 GMT -5
One day my phone rang and when I picked it up, I could hear it was the blonde bimbo next door. The conversation went on like this: "I need your help" she proclaimed all excited. "Sure" I said - "how can I help you"? "I have opened a new jig-saw puzzle, and I can't even get started" I asked, "Whats its supposed to look like when its done"? "Well she said - like always, there is a picture on the box - it looks like a rooster" "All Right" I said, I'm coming" She had the puzzle on the dining table and I took a quick look - and then I said "Why dont you make us a nice cup of coffee while I put all the Cereal back into the box"?
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Post by vinjak on Mar 29, 2008 22:21:54 GMT -5
Can you solve this puzzle?What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Step of the merry go round.
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece!
Totaly aggree, love all of you, big ones skinny ones etc
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