Post by spartacus on Aug 19, 2009 9:07:43 GMT -5
Terrible news.
The Shadow is, as I type this, lying in a hospital bed in downtown Chicago suffering from injuries done by me.
But you might say she had it coming
The following is a true story.
It all started a few weeks ago. Accompanied by the family chauffeur,Jimmy, I was
attending church at the UIC Catholic chapel on campus and afterward I had a word with the priest, Father O'Callahan, a young Irishman just out of the seminary.
As we sat in one of the back rooms discussing theological issues, he mentioned that the church, St. John's Catholic Chapel, was commissioning a local sculptor to fashion a new, life-sized crucifix to hang prominently above the alter.
"Father, it's about time the image of Christ was hung accurately! We need to hang the crucifix in the campus gym!" I roared.
Father O'Callahan was intrigued, and begged me to explain.
"Very simple" I remarked, "You see... Jesus expelled the money lenders from the temple in Jerusalem.....I mean tossed them right out the door... He tossed them and their massive tables, which, I assure you from my studies in archaeology, weighed a good 350 pounds each. These were moneylenders' tables, with legs as thick as mine and great marble tops!" I explained.
Father O'Callahan was fascinated at my knowledge on the subject, and sat, mouth open in wonder, as I continued.
"Now...can't you see what a feat of STRENGTH that must have been?" I started screaming
"Yes.....OUR LORD CHRIST must have been FREAKIN STRONG!!" I thundered, and Jimmy offered his support with a snarl of "FOOKING ROIGHT!!" in his heavy Cockney accent.
Father O'Callahan was MESMERIZED by my revelations, and ran to the phone to instruct the sculptor to halt his work while new plans of where to put the new Crucifix would be drawn up by Jimmy and I.
Work began round the clock, and within two weeks, the masterpiece was completed!
All that was left to do was to place the Crucifix in the UIC Gym right above the power racks and then go through the unveiling ceremony. Earlier, I had sent letters to the Fitness manager explaining our project. One afternoon, father O'Callahan showed me a letter from a lawyer. It ordered that work on the Crucifix was to halt immediately. I sent a reply letter explaining it was too late, and to come for the unveiling ceremony!!
This Tuesday past was the big day. A crowd of hard-core bodybuilders from the campus were on hand to see the huge Crucifix. Word had spread around the gym. Everyone was there, even Rupert, a young, wheelchair bound lad who suffered from caffeine addiction or something along those lines. He was difficult to understand, but I had made sure he came as I wanted him to see the unveiling.
Just then, the UIC Gym manager (a short Hitler feminist bitch) marched into the weight room and as the crowd applauded, the sheet covering the hanging crucifix was pulled off- there hung the image of Christ!
"Hooray!" I cried.
The bodybuilders cheered "HOOORAH!!"
The short Hitler bitch walked to the front of the room, grabbed the microphone and turned to face us.
"Look...there is no way I'm letting this Crucifix in this gym! This is ridiculous! Religion is banned while i'm in charge! It's a disgrace to all women having this symbol of a religion that puts dominant men in charge!" she angrily yelled. "And if that thing isn't removed, I'll see that this diocese is forced to close down by law!"
With that she and the lawyer who accompanied her marched off, walked down the two long flights of steps to the first floor, and stopped at the bottom to speak with each other.
The crowd was silent. All eyes stared ahead, empty, hurt, crushed, the training zeal gone. The short Hitler bitch had really put us in our place. Or so she thought!
"getttt...nnnneefftee....grrrnnn" the wheelchair bound Rupert grunted.
"What's that, Rupert?...you want to kick her ass?" I asked.
"Er...no..I think he wants his caffeine medication" a pencil neck geek interjected.
"SILENCE!" I screamed so loud that it wasn't heard since Samson tore down the pillars of the philistines at the temple of dagon. I gave him an open hand smack across the head which sent him flying into the crowd around him, like a punk rocker leaping off the stage into the mass of his fellow concert going degenerates.
"By GOD, Rupert, let's let short Hitler bitch have it...AAARRRGGGH!!". Screaming, I grabbed hold of the handles of his wheelchair, turned it to face the flight of stairs, and charged out. At the top of the steps I let go, and Rupert went flying through the air in his wheelchair. Guided by the hand of GOD, Rupert sailed through the air and crashed right into short Hitler bitch as she stood at the bottom of the steps talking to her lawyer!
She was broadsided, and the wheelchair disintegrated into pieces Rupert and short Hitler bitch went flying into the street, where they lay motionless, no doubt unconscious!!
Then a Guinness delivery truck ran over the both of them!!
I turned and walked back to the UIC chapel, laughing.
I mean, bros, why did short Hitler bitch have to be such a party pooper? why wouldn't she let us hang the Crucifix for the cause of the Almighty?!!
Condolences can be forwarded to Bilbo Baggins (Tolkien hails from these parts) Memorial Hospital, Chicago 12234.
The Shadow is, as I type this, lying in a hospital bed in downtown Chicago suffering from injuries done by me.
But you might say she had it coming
The following is a true story.
It all started a few weeks ago. Accompanied by the family chauffeur,Jimmy, I was
attending church at the UIC Catholic chapel on campus and afterward I had a word with the priest, Father O'Callahan, a young Irishman just out of the seminary.
As we sat in one of the back rooms discussing theological issues, he mentioned that the church, St. John's Catholic Chapel, was commissioning a local sculptor to fashion a new, life-sized crucifix to hang prominently above the alter.
"Father, it's about time the image of Christ was hung accurately! We need to hang the crucifix in the campus gym!" I roared.
Father O'Callahan was intrigued, and begged me to explain.
"Very simple" I remarked, "You see... Jesus expelled the money lenders from the temple in Jerusalem.....I mean tossed them right out the door... He tossed them and their massive tables, which, I assure you from my studies in archaeology, weighed a good 350 pounds each. These were moneylenders' tables, with legs as thick as mine and great marble tops!" I explained.
Father O'Callahan was fascinated at my knowledge on the subject, and sat, mouth open in wonder, as I continued.
"Now...can't you see what a feat of STRENGTH that must have been?" I started screaming
"Yes.....OUR LORD CHRIST must have been FREAKIN STRONG!!" I thundered, and Jimmy offered his support with a snarl of "FOOKING ROIGHT!!" in his heavy Cockney accent.
Father O'Callahan was MESMERIZED by my revelations, and ran to the phone to instruct the sculptor to halt his work while new plans of where to put the new Crucifix would be drawn up by Jimmy and I.
Work began round the clock, and within two weeks, the masterpiece was completed!
All that was left to do was to place the Crucifix in the UIC Gym right above the power racks and then go through the unveiling ceremony. Earlier, I had sent letters to the Fitness manager explaining our project. One afternoon, father O'Callahan showed me a letter from a lawyer. It ordered that work on the Crucifix was to halt immediately. I sent a reply letter explaining it was too late, and to come for the unveiling ceremony!!
This Tuesday past was the big day. A crowd of hard-core bodybuilders from the campus were on hand to see the huge Crucifix. Word had spread around the gym. Everyone was there, even Rupert, a young, wheelchair bound lad who suffered from caffeine addiction or something along those lines. He was difficult to understand, but I had made sure he came as I wanted him to see the unveiling.
Just then, the UIC Gym manager (a short Hitler feminist bitch) marched into the weight room and as the crowd applauded, the sheet covering the hanging crucifix was pulled off- there hung the image of Christ!
"Hooray!" I cried.
The bodybuilders cheered "HOOORAH!!"
The short Hitler bitch walked to the front of the room, grabbed the microphone and turned to face us.
"Look...there is no way I'm letting this Crucifix in this gym! This is ridiculous! Religion is banned while i'm in charge! It's a disgrace to all women having this symbol of a religion that puts dominant men in charge!" she angrily yelled. "And if that thing isn't removed, I'll see that this diocese is forced to close down by law!"
With that she and the lawyer who accompanied her marched off, walked down the two long flights of steps to the first floor, and stopped at the bottom to speak with each other.
The crowd was silent. All eyes stared ahead, empty, hurt, crushed, the training zeal gone. The short Hitler bitch had really put us in our place. Or so she thought!
"getttt...nnnneefftee....grrrnnn" the wheelchair bound Rupert grunted.
"What's that, Rupert?...you want to kick her ass?" I asked.
"Er...no..I think he wants his caffeine medication" a pencil neck geek interjected.
"SILENCE!" I screamed so loud that it wasn't heard since Samson tore down the pillars of the philistines at the temple of dagon. I gave him an open hand smack across the head which sent him flying into the crowd around him, like a punk rocker leaping off the stage into the mass of his fellow concert going degenerates.
"By GOD, Rupert, let's let short Hitler bitch have it...AAARRRGGGH!!". Screaming, I grabbed hold of the handles of his wheelchair, turned it to face the flight of stairs, and charged out. At the top of the steps I let go, and Rupert went flying through the air in his wheelchair. Guided by the hand of GOD, Rupert sailed through the air and crashed right into short Hitler bitch as she stood at the bottom of the steps talking to her lawyer!
She was broadsided, and the wheelchair disintegrated into pieces Rupert and short Hitler bitch went flying into the street, where they lay motionless, no doubt unconscious!!
Then a Guinness delivery truck ran over the both of them!!
I turned and walked back to the UIC chapel, laughing.
I mean, bros, why did short Hitler bitch have to be such a party pooper? why wouldn't she let us hang the Crucifix for the cause of the Almighty?!!
Condolences can be forwarded to Bilbo Baggins (Tolkien hails from these parts) Memorial Hospital, Chicago 12234.