Bozur
Amicus
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Post by Bozur on Dec 23, 2009 18:53:05 GMT -5
Why We Lie By Robin Lloyd, Special to LiveScience posted: 15 May 2006 10:26 am ET
We all lie, all the time. It causes problems, to say the least. So why do we do it?
It boils down to the shifting sands of the self and trying to look good both to ourselves and others, experts say.
"It's tied in with self-esteem," says University of Massachusetts psychologist Robert Feldman. "We find that as soon as people feel that their self-esteem is threatened, they immediately begin to lie at higher levels."
Not all lies are harmful. In fact, sometimes lying is the best approach for protecting privacy and ourselves and others from malice, some researchers say. Some deception, such as boasting and lies in the name of tact and politeness, can be classified as less than serious. But bald-faced lies (whether they involve leaving out the truth or putting in something false), are harmful, as they corrode trust and intimacy—the glue of society.
Kidding yourself
Many animals engage in deception, or deliberately misleading another, but only humans are wired to deceive both themselves and others, researchers say. People are so engaged in managing how others perceive them that they are often unable to separate truth from fiction in their own minds, Feldman's research shows.
For instance, In one experiment, Feldman put two strangers in a room together. They were videotaped while they conversed. Later, independently, each was asked to view the tape and identify anything they had said that was not entirely accurate.
Rather than defining what counts as a lie and to avoid the moral tone of the word "lie," Feldman's experimenters simply asked subjects after the fact to identify anything they had said in the video that was "not entirely accurate."
Initially, "Each subject said, 'Oh, I was entirely accurate,'" Feldman told LiveScience. Upon watching themselves on video, subjects were genuinely surprised to discover they had said something inaccurate. The lies ranged from pretending to like someone they actually disliked to falsely claiming to be the star of a rock band.
The study, published in the Journal of Basic and Applied Psychology, found that 60 percent of people had lied at least once during the 10-minute conversation, saying an average of 2.92 inaccurate things.
"People almost lie reflexively," Feldman says. "They don't think about it as part of their normal social discourse." But it is, the research showed.
"We're trying not so much to impress other people but to maintain a view of ourselves that is consistent with the way they would like us to be," Feldman said. We want to be agreeable, to make the social situation smoother or easier, and to avoid insulting others through disagreement or discord.
Men lie no more than women, but they tend to lie to make themselves look better, while women are more likely to lie to make the other person feel better.
Extroverts tend to lie more than introverts, Feldman found in similar research involving a job-interview situation.
Workplace lies
Other research has delved into prevarication in the workplace.
Self-esteem and threats to our sense of self are also drivers when it comes to lying to co-workers, rather than strangers, says Jennifer Argo of the University of Alberta.
A recent study she co-authored showed that people are even more willing to lie to coworkers than they are to strangers.
"We want to both look good when we are in the company of others (especially people we care about), and we want to protect our self-worth," Argo told LiveScience.
The experiment involved reading a scenario to a subject, telling them they had paid more than a coworker for the same new car. When the coworker, in the scenario, mentioned what they had paid, $200 or $2,000 more in different versions of the experiment, the subject was asked to report how they would respond.
Argo found that her subjects were more willing to lie when the price difference was small and when they were talking to a coworker rather than to a stranger.
Consumers lie to protect their public and private selves, she wrote in the Journal of Consumer Research with her colleagues from the University of Calgary and University of British Columbia.
Argo said she was surprised that people are so willing to lie to someone they know even over a small price discrepancy.
"I guess closely tied to this is that people appear to be short-term focused when they decide to deceive someone—save my self-image and self-worth now, but later on if the deceived individual finds out it can have long-term consequences," she said.
Feldman says people should become more aware of the extent to which we tend to lie and that honesty yields more genuine relationships and trust. "The default ought to be to be honest and accurate ... We're better off if honesty is the norm. It's like the old saying: honesty is the best policy." www.livescience.com/health/060515_why_lie.html
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Bozur
Amicus
Posts: 5,515
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Post by Bozur on Dec 23, 2009 18:54:54 GMT -5
Why do we lie to ourselves?
January 18, 2008 · Filed under Acceptance, Discipline, Fear, Wisdom
Deceitful behaviour is common in both humans and other animals. The temptation is apparent. I could write an article detailing the drawbacks of such dishonesty, but instead I wish to focus on a more specific issue: why do we lie to ourselves?
Although most people do this on a regular basis, the behaviour is quite insane. Whereas lying to others is selfish, lying to ourselves is plain stupid. How is it even possible to fool ourselves? How can we be both the deceiver and the deceived?
We may not initially recognize how much we do lie to ourselves. It is an easy thing to deny because there is no solid evidence that we do so. We do not utter the lie aloud, and no-one is there to hold us accountable. Thus, it is easy to pretend that it never happened (thereby lying to ourselves yet again).
The reason that we lie is to stop ourselves being hurt, usually to protect our self-esteem. There are thoughts that we find unacceptable, and thus we simply refuse to think them. We hope that soon the reality will change and that the lie will be inconsequential. For example, we may deny that we are depressed, hoping that soon the depression will go away. Our reasoning is that if it does go away then our lie will no longer matter, and we will have avoided dealing with a painful reality. However, it is never a good idea to sacrifice our integrity, and it is never a good idea to lose touch with truth. Just as lying to others will lose their trust, so does lying to ourselves compromise our own trust. We lose the ability to understand ourselves clearly and to be sure about what is true and what is not. The result is the insanity that currently pervades society.
In an effort to stop lying, it is worth asking ourselves what thoughts we find so unacceptable, and why. This tells us what issues we must work on to cease this harmful habit. We should also make sure that we talk to people who will tell us the truth, instead of those whom we know will support or believe our lies. Other people are valuable for telling us the truth about ourselves. Their view is warped through a lack of information, but our own view is warped through self-deception. We can assume that the reality lies somewhere in between.
At the end of the day, regardless of why we lie to ourselves, we must stop. Although understanding the reasons for our self-deception is helpful, we can still break this habit through sheer willpower alone. When we find ourselves blaming others for our own problems, or talking about ourselves in an effort to sway their opinion of us, we can be sure that self-deception is taking place. This is our cue to stop. In the words of Shakespeare: “To thine own self be true.” spiritualinquiry.com/articles/why-do-we-lie-to-ourselves/
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Bozur
Amicus
Posts: 5,515
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Post by Bozur on Dec 23, 2009 19:05:03 GMT -5
The Truth About Lying
From big whoppers to little white lies, almost everyone fibs on occasion. Here, experts reveal why. by Jenna Mccarthy
Nearly any adult will tell you that lying is wrong. But when it comes to avoiding trouble, saving face in front of the boss, or sparing someone’s feelings, many people find themselves doing it anyway. In fact, more than 80 percent of women admit to occasionally telling what they consider harmless half-truths, says Susan Shapiro Barash, author of Little White Lies, Deep Dark Secrets: The Truth About Why Women Lie (St. Martin’s Press, $15, amazon.com). And 75 percent admit to lying to loved ones about money in particular. The tendency to tell tales is “a very natural human trait,” explains David L. Smith, Ph.D., associate professor of philosophy at the University of New England, in Biddeford, Maine. “It lets you manipulate the way you want to be seen by others.” To pinpoint how people stretch the truth from time to time and the potential fallout from it, learn the six most common ways that people mislead.
Deception Points
Most lies aren’t meant to be hurtful to others; rather, they’re meant to help the one doing the fibbing. These are the six top ways people lie.
1. Lying to Save Face
What it sounds like: “Gosh, I never got the shower invitation!” “Sorry I’m late, but there was a huge pileup on the freeway.”
Why people do it: For self-preservation. While it may be instinctual, people who frequently cover up innocent errors may start to feel as if they have permission to be irresponsible. What’s more, it can become grueling for them to keep track of those deceptions. (“Now, why did I tell her I couldn’t cochair that event?”) Eventually those lies hinder people from having close connections, says Smith. “Of course, there are relationships in which it doesn’t matter as much,” he says.
How you can avoid it:
* Think long-term. When you’re tempted to be less than truthful, consider your ultimate goal: to have a happy marriage, say, or a solid friendship. Then, when torn between fact and fiction, ask yourself, “Which will put me closer to my goal?” Usually the choice is clear.
* Keep it simple. Most of the time, a short apology is all that’s needed, and you can omit some details without sacrificing the truth. Something like “Sorry that I didn’t call you back sooner” is usually sufficient and effective.
2. Lying to Shift Blame
What it sounds like: “It’s my boss’s decision, not mine.” “My husband never told me you called.”
Why people do it: “To effectively give away power and control,” says Smith. “When done habitually, this can diminish a person’s ability to deal with life’s bigger problems.” When someone constantly saddles other people with his responsibilities, others can grow resentful of carrying this burden. Also, eternally passing the buck is downright exhausting. The deceiver keeps fielding requests but is only postponing the inevitable. Eventually the issue will have to be dealt with.
How you can avoid it:
* Dig deep. In some cases, blame shifting can signal difficulty with accepting responsibility for your actions, says Joseph S. Weiner, chief of consultation psychiatry at North Shore University Hospital, in Manhasset, New York. Maybe you were criticized for making mistakes as a child, for example, and so now you’re afraid to own up because of what other people may think of you. Once you realize this is a behavior that can be changed, however, you can start to regain the power you may feel you don’t have.
* Flip it around. Before using a colleague or a loved one as a decoy in a minor deception, think of how the other person would feel in the same scenario. If the deception puts other people in an unfavorable light, it’s best to leave them out of it.
3. Lying to Avoid Confrontation
What it sounds like: “That’s a wonderful idea, Mom. I’ll make sure to get to the airport three hours before my flight.” “You’re doing a great job, but we can’t afford a housekeeper anymore.”
Why people do it: A believable excuse may help someone avoid an uncomfortable talk or keep that person from feeling guilty. But relying on nonconfrontation too often eventually does relationships―both personal and professional―a disservice. With people to whom one is deeply tied, it’s important to remember that “closeness is not always pleasant, and that interpersonal dealings, by their very nature, have highs and lows,” says Smith. “When you try to avoid the lows at all cost, it can have an overall deadening effect on these connections.” Even if the person on the receiving end of a lie isn’t closely tied to the fibber, the one deceiving still has to keep track of―and live by―those lies. What’s more, she may have to deal with the consequences of the lie anyway (for example, if the housekeeper finds out someone else was hired in her place).
How you can avoid it:
* Consider the options. Before you tell a fib, it helps to make a list of all the ways you could handle the situation―from delivering a total fairy tale to telling the stark truth. If, after thinking it through, you still decide a fabrication is the best choice, “it may signal that you don’t value having an honest relationship, and that in itself is worth pondering more,” says Marlene Chism, a relationship expert in Springfield, Missouri, and the author of Success Is a Given (ICARE Publishing, $15, amazon.com). On the other hand, maybe there is an option that will allow you to tell the truth but that will still provide your desired outcome.
* Pair it with the positive. Look for the bright, true spot buried within the lie. Saying to your mother, “Your ideas are always appreciated―I called that tutor you recommended last week!―but this time I just don’t agree,” makes the truth easier to swallow for both of you.
4. Lying to Get One’s Way
What it sounds like: “I won’t be at work today. I caught that bug that’s going around.” “Officer, my speedometer must be broken.”
Why people do it: For personal gain. But when a lie like this is uncovered, the recipient is unlikely to be charitable. And the more hurtful the lie is to the person on the receiving end, the less it’s likely to be forgiven. “When getting what a person wants drives his every word and action, he will not earn people’s trust or love,” says Weiner.
How you can avoid it:
* Stop justifying. Maybe you think you deserved that day off. Or you figured it was late and there was no one on the road when you were speeding. While both rationalizations may be true, “that doesn’t make the lie any more acceptable in the end,” says Smith. If you have to convince yourself the lie is OK, chances are it’s not.
* Think of the alternative. Consider if honesty could still bring about a positive result. Example: “I know I don’t have any vacation left, but I’d be willing to come in Saturday or stay late every day next week if I could have Friday off.” Or admit to the police officer that you lost your concentration going down the hill and apologize. That may result in a warning instead of a ticket. You never really know until you try.
5. Lying to Be Nice
What it sounds like: “That dress looks fantastic on you.” “This is the best meat loaf I’ve ever tasted.”
Why people do it: In some cases, the little white lie is altruistic, says Smith, but when used excessively, it can make interactions with people less authentic. At its worst, others may feel that a person isn’t being genuine or trustworthy.
How you can avoid it:
* Walk in the other person’s shoes. People often underestimate the information that others can tolerate and even benefit from, particularly when the words are said out of friendship, says Weiner. For example, you would generally want someone to mention it if you had a piece of spinach stuck in your teeth, if your blouse had a stain, or if your pot roast could use a pinch of salt.
* Tone it down. If you feel that a certain amount of truth stretching is a vital social lubricant, the best thing to do is to avoid gushing. “That’s a great color on you” is a lot more plausible than “That’s the most stunning sweater I have ever seen in my entire life.”
* Track it. Keeping a tally of the tales you tell for a day or a week can help you distinguish between the instances where being truthful matters and where it doesn’t. Maybe you didn’t need to tell the supermarket checkout gal that you loved her (hideous) earrings. But it made you feel better to say it, plus you got a pleasant reaction from her. Most experts say there’s no huge harm in that.
6. Lying to Make Oneself Feel Better
What it sounds like: “Eating my kids’ French fries doesn’t count.” “I’ll charge this stuff now because I’m going to pay off the credit-card bill as soon as I get my bonus.” “I never watch television.”
Why people do it: To reassure themselves. But when people start to believe their self-deceptions, it can snowball, which is especially dangerous. A clean-your-plate habit can lead to an extra 10 pounds. One shopping spree can trigger can’t-pay-the-mortgage debt. And while denying hours spent in front of the TV isn’t a crime, it might cause a person to wonder where all her time is going―or get busted humming the Law & Order theme song.
How you can avoid it:
* Plan honesty ahead. Because self-deception can become almost automatic, “stopping isn’t simply a matter of just saying in the moment, ‘Hey, should I lie to myself right now?’” says Smith. Instead, pledging to face reality in the situations where you’re most likely to deceive yourself is a smarter tactic.
* Keep your goals in sight. Whatever you want to accomplish, from sticking to a healthy diet to keeping your bank account in the black to cutting down on those television marathons, lying about what’s really going on puts you one step farther from that objective. Instead, it’s a good idea to visualize, in full detail, what it will look, feel, sound, smell, or taste like when you attain your goal. “Painting a detailed picture in your mind will help you maintain your motivation, even in the face of temptation to sabotage yourself with deception,” says Weiner.
* Help others be accountable. When people who tend to deceive themselves spend too much time with frequent fibbers or even others who tolerate that type of mendacity, their destructive habits won’t be challenged or corrected. In the most serious situations, where lying is causing someone serious damage, it helps to be a particularly truth-conscious friend and lend support as well as a gentle, watchful eye.
www.realsimple.com/work-life/life-strategies/truth-about-lying-00000000012669/page2.html
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Post by Emperor AAdmin on Dec 23, 2009 19:48:48 GMT -5
With many points introduced from the above text one can not but ask a question
If all of a sudden complete truth was introduced into all levels of society ... how fast before the complete breakdown of all levels of such society occurs or would there even be such a breakdown?
Could society survive that?
Could families/relationships effectively function with compete truth?
There also seems to be discrepancy on the honesty levels as seem among different societies (much of Europe, US, religious societies, western Mediterranean as well as mush of Asia seem to be far less upfront then much of Africa, Balkans or Scandinavia). As a general rule (at least for me) areas where people appear more pleasant versus (read: 'hidden') not will be the ones with higher discrepancy on the honesty levels while areas where people appear less pleasant (read:'upfront') versus more will be the ones with lower discrepancy on the honesty levels.
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Post by Teuta1975 on Dec 28, 2009 22:58:51 GMT -5
...and our emperor is "lying", pretending that Bozur is not himself...a kind of imaginary dialogue I dare say... Anyway, I think that sometimes a beautiful lie is better than the sad truth. It helps us not to hurt others' feelings and we feel good about it because we think the other person/s didn't perceive it was a lie...on the other hand, the other person, perceives it is a lie and accepts it, appreciating our efforts not to hurt his/her feelings...the game of lying becomes dangerous when it becomes an obsession and when one lies just about everything! This category of people are pathologically liars and the best solution is to stay way from them.
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Post by todhrimencuri on Dec 28, 2009 23:01:14 GMT -5
Ever read Boethius teuta? Our aadmin is going to engage in a Socratic dialogue by creating an alternate other...
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Post by Teuta1975 on Dec 28, 2009 23:13:08 GMT -5
No, I haven't, but our Emperor may be our Socratic peripatetic school teacher of this forum...he must be a Gemini though!
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