Post by Dèsîŗĕ Yèarning on Mar 18, 2011 20:58:51 GMT -5
[DIARY OF AN EXPAT BRIDE] What do you say?
19 March 2011, Saturday / ELLE LOFTIS, İSTANBUL
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Speechless is not a word that most people would associate with me. In fact, most times my problem is completely the opposite; I don’t know when to shut up. However, I have found myself speechless more times than I can count after my move to Turkey over eight years ago.
Mostly, this was due to a very significant language barrier that prevented me from accurately expressing myself. While this is normal, it is nonetheless frustrating. As the years passed and my grasp of the language improved, I found my tongue tied due to cultural differences rather than lack of words in my newfound second language.
An American woman born and raised in the Midwest, I was used to chatty, small-town ways. In İstanbul some situations are like this, while others have that big city, pushy, don’t-talk-to-me feel. Amongst my fellow Americans, I can also distinguish between the different groups and classes of people, and weigh my responses carefully to certain situations. Moving to a different culture turns everything upside down. How and when should I take offense to certain comments, and when should I just blow it off? For example, in America we have a certain type of person classified in slang terms as a “redneck” or “hick.” There is a certain manner of speaking, an impolite bluntness to the way that they talk that can irritate others not in that class. However, since I know the type, I know what to say and how to respond to this type of person. In my current life in İstanbul, I am still unsure how to deal with the Turkish equivalent, and who in fact is the equivalent.
The number one topic that always stops me in my tracks is weight. In America, no polite person talks about weight or age with a woman. In some circles in Turkey, it is the first thing discussed. Some friends of the family were coming from İzmir to stay with us for the weekend. We had not seen them since our son, Eren, was born almost a year ago. The father upon seeing me immediately lectured me about my weight. “Why haven’t you lost the baby weight yet? My wife lost hers a month after she gave birth!” I froze. After one year this was the first question he had? Speechless and awkward, like the first time I was shocked with comments similar to this on my first visit to Turkey. How do you respond to this? What is the appropriate thing to say that won’t be rude, but won’t leave me feeling so bad, either? I ended up, as usual, giving a frosty response that set the weekend off to a cool beginning. My response betrayed my hurt feelings, making everyone feel bad.
I carefully observed my Turkish friends when they were posed similar, and to me equally rude, comments from their compatriots. They all just shook it off, and made comments that were graceful but still had some sting to them. One of my friends just said “Maşallah, we are all healthy, that is the most important thing,” and then changed the topic from kilos to some eventful news story. No one felt awkward, no one seemed to be wearing their heart on their sleeve. Why couldn’t I do that? Even a teyze on the street who I don’t know personally has the power to make me dissolve into tears at the drop of a hat.
When it comes to family, I am in an even bigger quandary. My mother-in-law has something to say for everything, and I have no idea how to properly respond to her oftentimes rude remarks. “Elle doesn’t have a cleaning lady or a nanny so it’s ok that she looks tired,” she said to us over dinner last week, with some neighbors. To me, it sounded like she was apologizing to the table for the fact that she felt her gelin looked like crap. Can had nothing to say, and nor did I. Indignant, my cheeks burned. What do you say in situations like this? I stayed quiet until finally one of the neighbors changed the conversation. My future sister-in-law also has the same way of speaking. I started to wonder if I had seriously misread Turkish culture in the many years I have been coming to this country. Why hadn’t I encountered Turkish people like this prior to my marriage to Can? Why had all of my Turkish friends and my adopted Turkish “family” in Bursa never exhibited this side of Turkish culture?
My best friend Selen put it into perspective. Like everywhere, Turkey has a class system that sometimes is only obvious to a Turk. She can tell just by the way someone speaks not only what part of the country they are from, but also how “educated” or “uneducated” they are. Similarly in America, if I am speaking to someone who uses the word “ain’t” often I can ascertain their class. Certain words used in conversation can also indicate how religious a person is, and we adjust our responses accordingly. Selen said in Turkey, it was the same thing. These nuances can be slight, and most foreigners will have a hard time catching on. Selen explained that in the case of family, there are often a few wild cards that have to be dealt with. Such is the case with my mother-in-law and future sister-in-law. These are not people that I would choose to include in my circle, but now that we are related, we have to deal with each other on a regular basis. I have many similar elements in my American family back home. We tolerate them with a smile, but know their wacky, uncouth ways. She continued that I had to learn to blow off these Turkish family elements as well. When people talk like that, there really is nothing to say, because what they said shouldn’t have been said in the first place. No response necessary, just change the topic and move on.
Growing up my mother drilled into me the lesson that if I didn’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. According to Selen, polite Turks also were taught this lesson as well. I needed to keep in mind, too, that there are some issues, such as weight, that are considered polite conversation in Turkey. Similarly, some issues that we foreigners find acceptable to talk about in polite conversation are not appropriate in Turkey. Complaining about my mother-in-law, or any family member in general, is a no-no for example. While I talk freely about my family problems, most of my Turkish friends stay mum, except for a few words here and there that indicate they are going through similar conflicts.
Learning these nuances is many times a game of trial and error, one I am still learning eight years on living in İstanbul. I am thankful that I have Turkish friends from many different classes and backgrounds to help me gain perspective on this sensitive issue. If I was completely reliant on my in-laws to show me, I would probably be a very bitter woman, with little or nothing left to say. When living in a different culture, what makes you feel culturally tongue-tied?
www.todayszaman.com/news-238554-diary-of-an-expat-bride-what-do-you-say.html